What do you say....

SO~Do you ever have those moments in your life when you just think to yourself..."what do I even say?" I have a few of those, almost daily in fact! Recently more than ever. Last month I/we experienced an "episode" (we'll call it for now!) that scared the crap right out of me!! In every way it looked exactly like a mini stroke. This made me contemplate this phrase over and over. From the first hospital doctor that treated, or should we say didn't treat me, that insisted that I was overdosing on heavy narcotic's, to then insisting that I was faking. My brother, thank goodness, was there and put him right where he belonged! He knew EXACTLY what to say! He quickly had me transferred to another hospital that quickly treated me the best they could with the lack of info they had due to the neglect of the first hospital. During the transfer the medics had explained to my family that they were going "lights and sirens and not to attempt to follow!" My family left and beat us to the hospital by a full ten minutes! Real rush huh?? Since that wasn't enough, I was unlucky enough to be subjected to a fabulous conversation where both the Doctor, nurse and paramedic talk about how "it would be better to stay here and die" as to be transported to the other hospital! At first I thought to myself, if I could talk, what would I even say? Then, decided it was better I couldn't. Thanks to my brother, I received excellent treatment from the doctors and nurses. What if I hadn't had an "in" though? A patient advocate right by my side. When you don't know the medical lingo and terms, how are you supposed to know what is going on? I don't know even what to say. After four days of testing and "resting," the work began. My speech and a lot my arm movement had come back, but now were the legs. My left side seemed to have more strength than my right from the get go. It would however, take almost a full month until I would walk with some kind of strength. Along the way almost every person I would come in contact with would graciously ask "how ya doin'?" What do I even say? I am full of gratitude for the gift of life in general, but the mere fact that I am able to walk and talk and take care of my children every day is more than I can find words to describe. As for a response to others however, what do I say? "I'm good or fine" of course! It seems obviously understated to me, but I'm sure they don't expect the full explanation! This experience has forced me to slow down. To really decide what is necessity and what is "extra." For a person, such as myself, who doesn't recognize the use of the word "no" in the past, this has been a huge trial. I find myself wanting to ease back into the chaotic situation in which I've lived for quite some time. For me, it just was though. I didn't recognize it, it was just what I did. Mother of three, wife, working three to five part time jobs at a time, school committee, bear den leader and of course the normal chef, maid, laundromat, personal shopper, nurse, counselor and cab driver. One thing at a time. It's uncomfortable for me to slow down. I don't like the useless feeling it gives me. I have to remind myself that it allows me to give more or me where it is important. So, for now, I'll keep on keepin' on and move to the next stage of this chapter! Maybe it'll give me time to keep this blog current and to think of just the right thing to say!!  ;-)